Implosion 13 Feb

Implosion 13 Feb

Madhu

I just know that Ma is taking me back. It is the same road but I am finding it new. My sorrow is overwhelming; I am not able register anything. Memories are flowing like a waterfall, drowning me and   blowing me away. Memories everything from wedding, RK holding my hand on hospital bed, snubbing Deepali escorting me to his bedroom, kadwa chouth it’s rasme .. Breaking fast by giving water to me.. Telling me loud at farm house ‘ I LOVE YOU’..   Making me to say ‘ I am RKs fan and I love RK’ . They are not true anymore. Bappa, how can all these be white lies? Oh god how I can absorb this.

Ma put me in a chair and made me drink water. I am not able to get out of the memories and able to connect with the surrounding. Didu and Ma are crying. Ma is removing bangles, chain and is attempting to remove Mangalsutra. I tried to hold it. Ma told me that it has no purpose and to remove it.  I removed it and left in the cupboard.

Exhausted I lay on the bed. Didu recollected her curses and broke down. I am lost in the trail of thoughts. Sangeet and dancing with RK and the trance with RK; Time has stopped ticking for us , Audience moving away and fading away; the stillness; the fulfillment of the urge to be together and wanting the moment to go on and on…  I heard Ma saying RK is at fault

Ma’s word have stirred me , I recollected RK ‘ Every day spent with you, I plotted to build  intimacy and made you love me only to shatter you,  break you, make you  living dead bleeding through emotional wounds’. I saw Rk’s cutout Ahamkar.  I remember eye lock with RK   and the joy associated with it. Can that moment come with deceit? RK, don’t you have a bit love for me at all?  I can’t believe it.  Suddenly a wave of desperation stuck me. I lost my senses and screamed ‘R…K…’ and I am at the stairs about to fall. I saw Ma and Didu holding me.

‘ Ma, tell me this is a dream.. Didi, take me to RK . RK can’t fool me. Did RK cheat me?  I can’t live life without RK’

Tears are pouring out of my eyes. Didi took me into her arms. I am not able control myself and burst into uncontrollable crying