End of love .. 20 -28Feb

Madhu

Neither, can I be threatened nor break down.  I have to set my destiny.  The word security brought anger out of me and retorted ‘security is a sign of your weakness’.

RK ‘Won’t you Quit?’.

I said’ I am here to take life under my control. I have 30 days assignment and I will complete it’.

I walked off in a huff, making it clear to him that I am independent.

When I am about to leave for work, Ma & Didu gave me new set of hair dryer and other implements for my stylist job. I am happy but wondered how they could they pool money.

I was at the set. Heroine asked me to style her hair and I set her hair.  RK is at his worst. He chided me for my styling and made me style Heroine repeatedly. He was so nasty that he pushed hair dryer out my hand only to break it. It is present gift from Didu. At last, he allows the shooting to proceed to my relief.

I am about to begin lunch after serving Bittuji.   Heroine asked to me to attend RK in his vanity. I agree reluctantly.

I am at RK’s Vanity. RK asks me to give head massage.  I go out to fetch oil. I spill oil on the steps of vanity. I am emotional while massaging RK. RK asks for back massage.  I can’t hide my disgust at the thought of back massage.  RK relents; I suppose he recollects earlier instances.

As I get out of vanity, slipped and fell on my ankle. I scream in pain.  I am out of pain to notice that RK is massaging in feet.    He lifts me and puts me in a chair.

Ma notices my sprain and asks me take rest. 

Ma “You can’t work with RK anymore’.

I say ‘ I can’t run away. He is all round in radio, cutouts, … I won’t shut myself into a corner. I will face world.’

Ma is angry and left the room. Ma relented to let me choose my course.

The song sequence shooting is on. RK and Heroine are dancing to the tune.  During break, RK tricked me to send away heroine  ,and trapped me play dupe in his song sequence.

I am not comfortable with shooting. I am wearing a gown. As I walk to the spot, everyone is applauding my beauty, but I am not happy to be in spot light. It goes against my nature. I am compelled. I am next to RK. RK is lifting my stole. I am in tears. RK noticed it and calls off the shoot.

At makeup room, I am sobbing. This is not tolerable. I am not to be played like a bunny.  Power is off and I find RK next to me, switches on his lighter.

RK ‘No more darkness’

I say ‘I fear to see what is in light’. I have blown off the flame.  RK is holding me and persuading me not to move as I will be hurt. In the tussle, he tore my kurta at the shoulder. I hate this nonsense. The man, who drove me out of his life in a day without remorse, has no right to take care of me. I slapped him.

RK ‘How dare you?’.

I said, ‘How will you avenge this slap?. You can settle your scores by destroying me totally’. In a fit of anger, I have thrown away my dupatta.

 He picks up dupatta and covers me.  He drags me out of the set and locks the door behind.

I am recollecting…  RK covering me with stole in front of camera and off the camera.  RK holding my foot and gently massaging it, as I am coming out of pain. How will I continue live like this in the shadow of memories?  Pleasant moments from past are turning into pain in the present. 

I am back in studio next day.  I started having lunch.  Assistant Director informs me to do hairstyle for an actress.  I closed Tiffin and find actress talking to RK.  As I approach her I realize it is Deepali.  We move to dressing room. Deepali is her normal self.

Deepali  ‘ What happened last night?’  I  kept mum.

Deepali  ‘ Something special must have happened between you.  Or nothing happened. There is nothing in you.  RK requested me and that is why I am here.  Your false pheras marriage will not come in my relation between me and RK. You tug hair properly. It is hurting. In a race between Horses and Donkeys, Horses win.’

I retorted ‘Horses are loved for the success and they are shot the moment they lose. There is nothing  special  to find in you  despite my hard search’

The shoot starts. Deepali is dancing to the tune ‘Mushkan  Jhooti  hai’.  Deepali is clinging to RK. She is in seductive. She is touching RK.  RK is looking at me and I looked away.

The shoot ends with applause from Director of Deepali.  As I walk through the sets Deepali says ‘ In the end horse wins’

I tell her ‘You are being used by RK. RK is not interested , He has set you up to make me jealous. Better you realize it.’ I walk out off the set.

At chawl as I climb the stairs I am lost in thoughts.  What am I doing?  Didi interrupts  and says

‘Like is like a film. Every Friday a new film is released.  Life changes always. What will you if RK comes back ‘

I say, ‘I hate RK. I am broken and shattered.  I won’t be the same. Even if RK asks for remorse I can’t trust him again. He may shatter me again’.

RK

 Shooting is about to start.  Dips calls for makeup. I find a new girl. Madhu has lost the game.  I am out and Bittuji is on phone.  I know it is to Ma. I snatch the phone and say ‘Teri himmatwali Madhubala Kam pe nahi ayee’.

Deepali snatches a chair and is falling on me. I told her to keep away till action starts.  I say ‘ I am tired of telling you get out’. Luckily Bittuji asks her to go to  vanity for makeup. She relents. What a relief?

A courier delivers a parcel and I am curious. It has a get well card. I opened it and it is a first aid Kit. There is a note on every item. It is from Madhu.

One Note ‘Jab bahut der tak chaale sochte huye  sir dard ho jaye ye Sir dard ke goli’ and on.

There is Madhu Himmatwali. I knew a spat will follow.  I wonder whether  I am happy to see Madhu back.

I say ‘Madhubala is back in Studio. Aha’.

Madhu ‘Sorry, I have to buy some stuff for a sick person’.

I say ‘You did a brave thing by sending through third person’

Madhu ‘You sweat  to look at me. In person you wouldn’t take it’. Our spat goes on.

Madhu

I am with heroine styling her hair. Deepali is next to me.

Deepali yapping with heroine ‘She should look perfect. Every shot matters. Nails, clothes, Jewels, hair. One should use branded products.  Hair stylist should be trendy and not chawlwali. Your image matters. ’.

I noticed Sikky is in with a media guy. He hugs Deepali and asks media guy to take a snap and publish it with a headline ‘Sikky Cajoles Dippy’

The heroine says that Deepali’s Manager is interesting and wants to hire him.

The shoot is on. It is Karwachauth.  Heroine is doing pooja via channi. RK yells cut.

RK says ‘You have to look moon not me.’ While instructing her he looks at me through the channi. Does RK remember the puja and does he value it?

I am recollecting Nakli Karwachauth scene.  What has happened to those wonderful moments?  They are a mixture  of pain and pleasure. What about RK? How is he feeling?

Director calls cut and says that schedule here is over.  I don’t know whether I can join next schedule which is outdoor.

RK announces a party for the unit. He comes to me and insists me to join. He taunts and calls me a mama’s baby who goes home early.  I decided to stay back and hand over my bag to spot dada.

The party is on. Members are having soft drinks and booze.  My saheli brings me a coke. I start sipping it. I find the taste odd but decide to take it as it is bottled coke.  I notice Deepali and RK are having booze. I am feeling odd. My friends are going for dinner. I excuse myself saying not hungry.  I am feeling dizzy. I recollect the dark night at studio.

RK is looking at me. I am in tears as I am not able to bear dizziness.   I moved to a room . Let me wash my face with a spray.  RK is calling me on mobile. I won’t take the call.

RK is in front of me. He looks into my face and says ‘You took at least half a bottle’

He teases me ‘How can you drink and that too half a bottle?’

I am drowsy but tell him ‘Who are you? How do you know how much can I drink? Who are you to shout at me like that?’ 

A new beginning? 14 - 18 Feb

RK

My sleep is disturbed and I get up.

Ma( Radhaa) entered the room,  wants to talk to me.

Ma ‘Looks like you had a nightmare. You have to expect one after your actions yesterday’.

I am surprised at Ma’s tone. I said ‘I did what I am supposed to do and I don’t have any regrets. No further discussions’

Ma ‘No, I want answers. If your actions with Madhu are a game, then the talk at the Temple with me  must be a game too?’

I negated what Ma said, and assured her that I respect and love her.

Ma ‘Nobody will ever trust you again. Madhu worked to bring me and you together. Madhu loved you and brought life to you. She is like a fresh breeze, touching and caring.    Didn’t you love her for a month .. day .. a moment. Why can’t you love my darling, Madhoo ’

I said ’Never for a moment even.  I can confidently look into your eyes to say never loved her & will never.  I am clear in my mind’.

Ma ‘You have ruined your life along with Madhu. We have to watch and wait for God’s punishment.’

Ma is upset and not happy with me for breaking off with Madhu. I can’t help it. It is time to sleep and went to sleep.  I opened my eyes.. Getting out off sleep.. Wants to have tea and shouted Biwi. Suddenly, I realized that Madhu is not around and must get used to it.

I am irritated at servants and shouted at them for not serving tea at room and serving kadva Chai.  Ma snubbed me and said that Madhu has taken away the joy out of his life. I was angry and smashed tea cup on the floor. Angry Ma smashed a tray of glasses and screamed ‘Getting wild won’t change situations’.

I want to talk to Bittu, but he was not responding to calls.  I am getting uncomfortable as I have things lined up to do.  I saw Bittu entering the room .. He is silent.. He  hands over his resignation..

Bittu ‘ I can’t  work for an insensitive person. Bhabi has put life in your house and made it a home.  Chief, call her back’

I retorted ‘It is none of your business. If you like her, better go to her.’

Bittu ‘What you did is gross injustice. Call her back’.

Visibly annoyed, I told him to shut up. When he persisted, I have thrown him out.

Madhu

I got up.. I am sinking into a pool of sorrow… I have to move on …   I want to be in the same state before RK’s arrival.  I told Ma to get life going as it is better.  

‘Ma, I want to start work as the old chapter is over.’

Ma ‘ Madhu, you can rest for few days.

Trishna ‘Ma, Let her choose her course. Madhu, I will drop you on my way. Bye the way, I brought Prasad from Siddi Vinayak for you. Don’t forget to have it’.

I arrived at Lemon, My parlor. This is a new day for me.

As I entered parlor, some customers notices that I am RK’s wife and others calling me  an estranged wife.  I know, I have to take these in my stride.

I am surprised to notice that my first customer is Deepali.  She started her jibes and I ignored them till she said ‘A donkey in a lion’s costume gets beaten the day it is caught. ‘

I hurt her nail and told ‘I cut a nail to put it in limits’. Deepali left the place in a huff visibly angry.

 I looked out. A group of TV crew arrived for interview with me. I realized that I can’t work here anymore.  RK’s effect is felt throughout the day. How do I pull my life together?

I walked out faced the camera and said, ‘We are married. We were living as a couple. I am a simple girl. He is super star.  Now, We are living separately.  Love in the relation has ended but the scene continues. God has forgotten to say cut. The scene continues.’

I am in tears and moved off the cameras. How long will this situation drag? I don’t see any direction. Bappa, How long will my drift continue?  Events are unfolding, situations are changing, Sorrow-Happiness-Sorrow cycle is repeating, I am left as a victim. Bappa, I am a helpless spectator. Can loving a person be a crime?  Wiping my tears, I headed home.

I noticed Bittuji. I said ‘I quit the job’.

Bittuji ‘I too left the job because I can’t work for RK anymore’.

I said ‘Bittuji, You can’t leave the job. RK needs you more now. You treat this as a request from a sister’.

Bittuji relented and agreed to join RK again.

Ma wants me to throw away my Wedding Sarry and Mangalsutra.  I prefer to store them and as  a reminder of deceit.

RK

Bittuji came back in the evening with amends and I allowed him after mother’s persuasion.

Deepali   laughed and said ‘Madhu can’t talk about revenge in front of a camera’. She started her usual snipes at Madhu. She started falling on me and trying her tricks. I shirked myself and warned her to keep off Madhu.

At Natraj studio, I am rehearsing for a Valentine song.  There are hearts around. Girls are flying white dupattas. I am walking past them to the tune of music.  It is quite a romantic mood. Pink hearts, white dupattas …  I am walking past them.. It is quite a lively environment . A duppata falls on me and there is Madhu in front inside the duppata. I look at her … Madhu … my mind has gone blank… Lively romantic music.. Excitement all around … Madhu in white Kurta and red pyjama..   Looking at her face and am lost and … looking into her eyes  … background is fading … only Me and Madhu … Time halts for me…  Then We are out of the moment

Madhu steps aside. Director calls for new hair dresser.  Madhu responds. I am irritated. I Snub her

‘ You don’t have shame. You want to be shamed again’.  I pulled out a valentine balloon and punctured it and said ‘ Happy Valentine Day Ex-Biwi’.

She is upset. She rushes out . Bittuji runs after her.  Says ‘ Bhabiji. I didn’t know that it is RK’s set’

Madhu ‘ Don’t call me again, Bhabiji..’

I say, ‘ Don’t call any one randomly Bhabiji’. I walk past them to my vanity.

A reporter is asking me for an interview

I am not able to focus. I agree. I am looking outside at Madhu and Bittuji.

Reporter wants to put a rose on my suit. I am recollecting Madhu. She is putting a rose on my suit.. I refused to let reporter put one.

Reporter ‘What did a big Fan of you, gave? ‘.  I recollect Madhu yelling in the car ‘ I am RK’s big fan’. I refused to answer.

Reporter ‘What is your favorite romantic movie’. 

Replied recollecting my romantic moments ‘Mr. India’.

Reporter retorted ‘Mr. India is not a romantic movie’. I am lost in my thoughts. I said’ Pack up’.

At home I told Mom I am not moved after seeing Madhu.

In my room, I am  boozing. I heard melodious song ‘ Bahom ke darmiya…’ I am lifting Madhu for the tune of the song. I see her face. Happy smiling face. 

I can’t bear it anymore. I break the radio.

Implosion 13 Feb

Implosion 13 Feb

Madhu

I just know that Ma is taking me back. It is the same road but I am finding it new. My sorrow is overwhelming; I am not able register anything. Memories are flowing like a waterfall, drowning me and   blowing me away. Memories everything from wedding, RK holding my hand on hospital bed, snubbing Deepali escorting me to his bedroom, kadwa chouth it’s rasme .. Breaking fast by giving water to me.. Telling me loud at farm house ‘ I LOVE YOU’..   Making me to say ‘ I am RKs fan and I love RK’ . They are not true anymore. Bappa, how can all these be white lies? Oh god how I can absorb this.

Ma put me in a chair and made me drink water. I am not able to get out of the memories and able to connect with the surrounding. Didu and Ma are crying. Ma is removing bangles, chain and is attempting to remove Mangalsutra. I tried to hold it. Ma told me that it has no purpose and to remove it.  I removed it and left in the cupboard.

Exhausted I lay on the bed. Didu recollected her curses and broke down. I am lost in the trail of thoughts. Sangeet and dancing with RK and the trance with RK; Time has stopped ticking for us , Audience moving away and fading away; the stillness; the fulfillment of the urge to be together and wanting the moment to go on and on…  I heard Ma saying RK is at fault

Ma’s word have stirred me , I recollected RK ‘ Every day spent with you, I plotted to build  intimacy and made you love me only to shatter you,  break you, make you  living dead bleeding through emotional wounds’. I saw Rk’s cutout Ahamkar.  I remember eye lock with RK   and the joy associated with it. Can that moment come with deceit? RK, don’t you have a bit love for me at all?  I can’t believe it.  Suddenly a wave of desperation stuck me. I lost my senses and screamed ‘R…K…’ and I am at the stairs about to fall. I saw Ma and Didu holding me.

‘ Ma, tell me this is a dream.. Didi, take me to RK . RK can’t fool me. Did RK cheat me?  I can’t live life without RK’

Tears are pouring out of my eyes. Didi took me into her arms. I am not able control myself and burst into uncontrollable crying

Breakup and everything is over 12 Feb

Padmini

     I got down the stairs after hearing RKs voice over speakers.  He has thrown away the garland around Madhu’s neck to my shock. Madhu is standing shell shocked and dumb.  RK called it full & final pack up and drove off.  I wanted to know what happened at the venue.  Madhu is in a state of shock and wordless.  I am agitated and emotional about my darling daughter‘s marriage in rocks. I can’t leave it just like that. I have to talk to RK and know about teen pheras and what transpired over there. I have to resurrect Madhu’s marriage and bring life and joy to her.  

I took Madhu to RK’s mansion. Madhu walked with me silently overwhelmed by sorrow and is not even crying.  I saw RK climbing the stairs. I asked why did he do all this.

RK putting one feet on hand rest of staircase said ‘Life is not TV and I can’t repeat it’. I am astonished by his callousness, arrogance and contempt for middleclass and everything about them. My values, caring, loving and bonding of the family through joy and suffering are things of ridicule. Hey, Devi why am I and Madhu are going through all this misery?  I told RK that Madhu will die without him and was ready to leave everything and come alone to his exclusive sansar.

Padmine ‘ I have undergone the misery of a brutal marriage and don’t want Madhu to live in a marriage which is burden’

RK ‘ I want the world to see the consequence of enmity with RK  i.e. a life dying every minute till the end.

 I told RK that punishment for slaps can be return slaps and ruing a girl’s life for it is savage act.

RK got annoyed and asked guards to throw us out.  I warned guards against touching Madhu  and screamed ‘ RK this my curse and now onwards there will be no happiness left in your life and you crave for love which will be elusive’ and left the place with Madhu

Teen Vachan Feb 11 -13 2012

I arrived at the venue. It is looking like a setting. As I am nearing it I realised that it a wonderful setting with a stellar effect. Decorative pillars in white,  Red decorative lamps, White mandap with panditji and RK in blue dress . As I looked at  RK, my spirits are rising and I am feeling that I am moving into to a very new phase and a beautiful phase which is going to be with Rishab the person I love the most.  Will every girl undergo this phase to leave parents, near and dear putting an end to the secure happy life?   I am able to overcome the grief of moving out my family mother, Didu and Malik. This saath vachan will put me into new phase of life. I am getting tormented between love for family and Rishab.

Rishab is in the spot waiting for me to complete adura Shadi . We exchanged garlands and tied the knots. RK asks the pandit to move forward to last thee vachans as there is no need to repeat. I moved forward to start taking remaining pheras and noticed RK holding me back. RK opened the liquor jar drank some and emptied the rest in fire. I am confused. He asked the pundit to leave.

I am confused. RK has thrown off the garland and pulled out my churni.

RK ‘You are not my wife and your pheras will be incomplete for your life’

I am dumb stuck. I am not able to grasp and my dreams are going upside down.

RK ‘ I am ending the game. The drama from Ganpati, Karwa Chauth, Romance ..to  Action ( Killing of Ballu) is over’

Tears are rolling out of my eyes. I am not able to believe. I begged RK to call this a lie.

RK ‘This is truth and we are not Pati aur Patni. I am free from this relation and settled my grudge for the slaps”.

I am out of my senses. I am not able to take this. Why I am I feeling so vulnerable? As I look into RK eyes I am missing his mesmarising glance. I am seeing vengeance and a Sadistic satisfaction. Are all the wonderful feelings, the feeling of completeness, the ecstasy of oneness,  the stillness,   time skipping  its beat ,  joy of togetherness false?  I collapsed breaking my green bangles. What happened to all the wonderful feelings? Is that a dream or hallucination? Will an overwhelming love end, leaving me a victim?

RK dragged me to my Chawl told everybody over there about the breakup and the worthlessness of a middleclass girl.  I am jade walking and not able to register anything. Is he talking about middleclass girl or about a girl? A girl is a girl  irrespective of being middleclass, rich or poor.  How can he do that?  I saw mother coming down and she is  realising the  horror of my wedding, a story of vengeance, hate and deceit.